After much anticipation...

I am done with my first dose of clomid! I took the last pill yesterday and now all I can do is have lots of sex and wait it out. haha. The side effects haven't been too bad yet, but someone was kind enough to share their experiences with the side-effects kicking in after they finished their dose, and I'm on the lookout. (Thank you. I wasn't expecting it to work that way but it seems that it certainly has).  I have been incredibly emotional the last two days. I'm always moody I suppose but I'm not really much of a crier and I have just been a slight mess lately. I think it's due to the clomid, paired with a new situation at work. Since last month, when nearly half of our staff left due to various reasons, we've hired 5 new women in our department. To make a long story short, the demographic there now consists of  4 grandmothers (one expecting a new grandchild by her daughter who works in the same building), 9 mothers, 2 teenagers, and an odd-one-out. (Me).  There have always been a lot of mothers at work but until recently I was not the only woman over 18 without a child... and all they talk about is their babies, their 2nd graders, their teenagers, their grandbabies... comparing this and that about likes, dislikes, foods, games, you name it... and of course I can't honestly blame them: this is what women DO. They grow up, they have children, and they talk about their children. But there is not much in the world more heartbreaking for a woman struggling with infertility than being surrounded by extra-fertiles. Yesterday during lunch hour, I was sitting there with 3 of my coworkers - one has 5 children ranging in age from 18 to 6, one has 3 girls between the ages of 12 and 9, and one has 2 girls aged 6 and 18 months... so they were just chattering SO happily about school clothes and new friends and who's birthday party this one was going to, or which activity that one joined. And I just felt frozen. Like I was sitting right next to a window leading into this world I desperately want to join, but can't. I mumbled something about getting some air and spent the better part of 40 minutes pretending to read Hallmark cards in the gift shop. (I work at a hospital). I know, I know. I need to keep my head up because this is our first round of clomid and the doors are wide open and anything can happen. And I DO know that. But sometimes I just need to let myself curl into a ball and wish it all away. Sometimes I have to let myself wonder why I, of all people, am being denied the most precious gift of life. The most enormous, most wonderful life cycle event. I can't help but wonder what our lives will be like in 5 years. In one year. Will we ever have a baby? Will I ever be able to make my husband the father he so deserves to be? Will I ever be a mother, and if not, what in the world will become of me? I can't fathom finding true happiness down any other road. I love being a wife but sadly it is simply not enough. I just need to take a few deep breaths and rally -  I won't allow myself to be this way. I think that's what I like about blogging: Once I see my feelings put down on, well not ink and paper but you get the idea, I feel like I can edit them and revise my thoughts into a better point of view. A more positive way of thinking. Such as: This WILL work!  And I know it will. It has to... 


I just finished the first volume of Jane Austen's lost memoirs which were published last year. What a phenomenal distraction! Her stories are the only thing that can truly do the trick - trick my mind into thinking of something other than a baby for even half of an hour...  it's like she provides this alternate world I can just sink into. Any Austen fans MUST read her memoir... Mr. Ashford is brilliant and I could scarcley put it down until I'd finished every last word. Although it makes me sad, the fact that she never had children.... and I wonder what her writing would've been like if she had.

So anyway - that was quite a whine, I apologize. J and I carved pumpkins on Sunday afternoon and all the while I was imagining our children carrying on our tradition with us some day. It was a happy sort of daydream, not at all depressing and it made me smile. For now, I'll just be bingeing on apple-cider donuts and keeping my fingers crossed for an October bfp. After all, anything can happen...