Shame on me,

I have been so neglectful of my poor blog this cycle. I just really haven't had a moment to myself to really compose my thoughts, and I like privacy when I write. Anyway. This cycle has been really amazing! Better than I'd hoped for. As I said in my last post I did ovulate on cd 17. I'm excited because it's 14po and my temps are still up. Just to be clear, I've already tested twice and both were bfn's so I know (99% sure) I'm not pregnant. I tested once yesterday & once today, so I'm just waiting for af so I can add that other 1%. And yes I am a bit sad and disappointed but in the end I have to look at the big picture. Clomid does work for me! My God, the anxiety I had about that before we started!  It gave me my best-ever chart - by far. So I'm interpreting that as very good news. And although I was rotten yesterday with the first bfn, today I let myself remember that I had had a 1 in 4 chance this time around - which was amazingly better than my usual 0 in 0. I suppose there is still the smallest chance that I'm one of those women who don't get their bfp until really late - technically I could be. But I want to stay realistic and I'm putting my hope into next cycle. And I do have quite a bit of hope for it. 

Today at work, two of my coworkers had relatives on maternity; a neice and a cousin. Both gave birth to baby girls. Of course little else was mentioned all day, which is to be expected and I couldn't decide how I felt about it. Of course there's the side of me that despises pregnant women. HA! That must be the most awful demographic in the world, but it's true. I mean, it's natural. They have the one thing in life that I want more than anything else. The thing I live for. The one thing I can't have. And they have it so damned easily! So I don't care for them, and most likely won't until I become one of them. I don't even usually care to hear about them and their stroller-shopping, nursery-painting, name-picking lives but today I didn't feel that way. Today, instead of feeling like a taunted child I felt like I could look forward to that, too. That's not the life I want and will never have, that's the life I'm getting closer and closer to. It's easy to have faith in myself and be optimistic in the privacy of my own living room but out in the real world is another story - I suppose that'll be my new goal. Along with getting pregnant, of course.

Second round of clomid most likely starting end of next week-ish.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I have laid an egg! LOL. Seriously though, it looks like the clomid is working!! I am shocked, I must say. I had myself so convinced that it wouldn't. But when I woke up this morning and put my temp in, I got crosshairs. They are dotted, yes, but I think that's because of my cm (which I am using preseed to combat). I am SO excited, this is my first 2ww since June and we had a ton of sex (hehe) and I was very diligent about using preseed each and every time. I'll try to post a pic of my chart, not sure if I know how. Friday was a really stressful day, J & I had a huge fight and I was just like, over-the-top emotional. And it turns out, that was my O day. Haha. Thank heavens we had make-up sex. Agh! I am just really floored and hopeful!!

On Saturday I spent the day in the Adirondacks with my parents, just the 3 of us. It was absolutely lovely. I think the drive there & back was almost the best part - the leaves are so beautiful. We went to one small town in particular and did quite a bit of shopping, it was awesome because all of the shops are in old houses instead of square little buildings. I'll try to post a link to that as well. Anyway the day was so peaceful and exactly what I needed. Sometimes a change of scenery can work wonders on my perspective!

SO, for now, I'm still waiting! Only more hopefully. And even more impatiently. I'll be testing on October 25th. Imagine, a July baby....

saturday's excursion

Stay the hell away...

from me this week! yikes. my moods are everywhere. So I'm on cd 15... on cd 13 I had an amazing temp dip so I thought for sure I'd get the rise the next day: PERFECT cycle! Ovulation on cd 14, man that's a piece of cake! I knew it all along, I'd just have to take a few pills and *bam* I'd have the perfect cycle and be pregnant, lickity-split. I spent all day Monday walking on air. Then I woke up Tuesday morning and my temp really hadn't moved a bit. Of course I was devastated. I mean I don't usually get so upset about my bbt but I must admit my hopes were really high. And yes, I know there is still plenty of time for me to ovulate this cycle but I am just so tired of disappointment... I shed a lot of tears yesterday and I'm wise enough to recognize that atleast half of them were because of the way clomid is affecting my hormones but still. Now I am back in the boat of praying clomid will work, and being anxious and impatient and just completely ridiculous. I said to hell with it, I'm gonna feel sorry for myself. I'm tired of forcing myself to be upbeat and positive when I'm not really feeling that way inside. J has his poker game tonight and I am SO not in the mood to play the happy housewife. The house is clean and I made nachos, that'll have to do. I'm hiding out in the bedroom with a magazine I borrowed from the waiting room in maternity at work and my thoughts.