Shame on me,

I have been so neglectful of my poor blog this cycle. I just really haven't had a moment to myself to really compose my thoughts, and I like privacy when I write. Anyway. This cycle has been really amazing! Better than I'd hoped for. As I said in my last post I did ovulate on cd 17. I'm excited because it's 14po and my temps are still up. Just to be clear, I've already tested twice and both were bfn's so I know (99% sure) I'm not pregnant. I tested once yesterday & once today, so I'm just waiting for af so I can add that other 1%. And yes I am a bit sad and disappointed but in the end I have to look at the big picture. Clomid does work for me! My God, the anxiety I had about that before we started!  It gave me my best-ever chart - by far. So I'm interpreting that as very good news. And although I was rotten yesterday with the first bfn, today I let myself remember that I had had a 1 in 4 chance this time around - which was amazingly better than my usual 0 in 0. I suppose there is still the smallest chance that I'm one of those women who don't get their bfp until really late - technically I could be. But I want to stay realistic and I'm putting my hope into next cycle. And I do have quite a bit of hope for it. 

Today at work, two of my coworkers had relatives on maternity; a neice and a cousin. Both gave birth to baby girls. Of course little else was mentioned all day, which is to be expected and I couldn't decide how I felt about it. Of course there's the side of me that despises pregnant women. HA! That must be the most awful demographic in the world, but it's true. I mean, it's natural. They have the one thing in life that I want more than anything else. The thing I live for. The one thing I can't have. And they have it so damned easily! So I don't care for them, and most likely won't until I become one of them. I don't even usually care to hear about them and their stroller-shopping, nursery-painting, name-picking lives but today I didn't feel that way. Today, instead of feeling like a taunted child I felt like I could look forward to that, too. That's not the life I want and will never have, that's the life I'm getting closer and closer to. It's easy to have faith in myself and be optimistic in the privacy of my own living room but out in the real world is another story - I suppose that'll be my new goal. Along with getting pregnant, of course.

Second round of clomid most likely starting end of next week-ish.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I have laid an egg! LOL. Seriously though, it looks like the clomid is working!! I am shocked, I must say. I had myself so convinced that it wouldn't. But when I woke up this morning and put my temp in, I got crosshairs. They are dotted, yes, but I think that's because of my cm (which I am using preseed to combat). I am SO excited, this is my first 2ww since June and we had a ton of sex (hehe) and I was very diligent about using preseed each and every time. I'll try to post a pic of my chart, not sure if I know how. Friday was a really stressful day, J & I had a huge fight and I was just like, over-the-top emotional. And it turns out, that was my O day. Haha. Thank heavens we had make-up sex. Agh! I am just really floored and hopeful!!

On Saturday I spent the day in the Adirondacks with my parents, just the 3 of us. It was absolutely lovely. I think the drive there & back was almost the best part - the leaves are so beautiful. We went to one small town in particular and did quite a bit of shopping, it was awesome because all of the shops are in old houses instead of square little buildings. I'll try to post a link to that as well. Anyway the day was so peaceful and exactly what I needed. Sometimes a change of scenery can work wonders on my perspective!

SO, for now, I'm still waiting! Only more hopefully. And even more impatiently. I'll be testing on October 25th. Imagine, a July baby....

saturday's excursion

Stay the hell away...

from me this week! yikes. my moods are everywhere. So I'm on cd 15... on cd 13 I had an amazing temp dip so I thought for sure I'd get the rise the next day: PERFECT cycle! Ovulation on cd 14, man that's a piece of cake! I knew it all along, I'd just have to take a few pills and *bam* I'd have the perfect cycle and be pregnant, lickity-split. I spent all day Monday walking on air. Then I woke up Tuesday morning and my temp really hadn't moved a bit. Of course I was devastated. I mean I don't usually get so upset about my bbt but I must admit my hopes were really high. And yes, I know there is still plenty of time for me to ovulate this cycle but I am just so tired of disappointment... I shed a lot of tears yesterday and I'm wise enough to recognize that atleast half of them were because of the way clomid is affecting my hormones but still. Now I am back in the boat of praying clomid will work, and being anxious and impatient and just completely ridiculous. I said to hell with it, I'm gonna feel sorry for myself. I'm tired of forcing myself to be upbeat and positive when I'm not really feeling that way inside. J has his poker game tonight and I am SO not in the mood to play the happy housewife. The house is clean and I made nachos, that'll have to do. I'm hiding out in the bedroom with a magazine I borrowed from the waiting room in maternity at work and my thoughts.

After much anticipation...

I am done with my first dose of clomid! I took the last pill yesterday and now all I can do is have lots of sex and wait it out. haha. The side effects haven't been too bad yet, but someone was kind enough to share their experiences with the side-effects kicking in after they finished their dose, and I'm on the lookout. (Thank you. I wasn't expecting it to work that way but it seems that it certainly has).  I have been incredibly emotional the last two days. I'm always moody I suppose but I'm not really much of a crier and I have just been a slight mess lately. I think it's due to the clomid, paired with a new situation at work. Since last month, when nearly half of our staff left due to various reasons, we've hired 5 new women in our department. To make a long story short, the demographic there now consists of  4 grandmothers (one expecting a new grandchild by her daughter who works in the same building), 9 mothers, 2 teenagers, and an odd-one-out. (Me).  There have always been a lot of mothers at work but until recently I was not the only woman over 18 without a child... and all they talk about is their babies, their 2nd graders, their teenagers, their grandbabies... comparing this and that about likes, dislikes, foods, games, you name it... and of course I can't honestly blame them: this is what women DO. They grow up, they have children, and they talk about their children. But there is not much in the world more heartbreaking for a woman struggling with infertility than being surrounded by extra-fertiles. Yesterday during lunch hour, I was sitting there with 3 of my coworkers - one has 5 children ranging in age from 18 to 6, one has 3 girls between the ages of 12 and 9, and one has 2 girls aged 6 and 18 months... so they were just chattering SO happily about school clothes and new friends and who's birthday party this one was going to, or which activity that one joined. And I just felt frozen. Like I was sitting right next to a window leading into this world I desperately want to join, but can't. I mumbled something about getting some air and spent the better part of 40 minutes pretending to read Hallmark cards in the gift shop. (I work at a hospital). I know, I know. I need to keep my head up because this is our first round of clomid and the doors are wide open and anything can happen. And I DO know that. But sometimes I just need to let myself curl into a ball and wish it all away. Sometimes I have to let myself wonder why I, of all people, am being denied the most precious gift of life. The most enormous, most wonderful life cycle event. I can't help but wonder what our lives will be like in 5 years. In one year. Will we ever have a baby? Will I ever be able to make my husband the father he so deserves to be? Will I ever be a mother, and if not, what in the world will become of me? I can't fathom finding true happiness down any other road. I love being a wife but sadly it is simply not enough. I just need to take a few deep breaths and rally -  I won't allow myself to be this way. I think that's what I like about blogging: Once I see my feelings put down on, well not ink and paper but you get the idea, I feel like I can edit them and revise my thoughts into a better point of view. A more positive way of thinking. Such as: This WILL work!  And I know it will. It has to... 


I just finished the first volume of Jane Austen's lost memoirs which were published last year. What a phenomenal distraction! Her stories are the only thing that can truly do the trick - trick my mind into thinking of something other than a baby for even half of an hour...  it's like she provides this alternate world I can just sink into. Any Austen fans MUST read her memoir... Mr. Ashford is brilliant and I could scarcley put it down until I'd finished every last word. Although it makes me sad, the fact that she never had children.... and I wonder what her writing would've been like if she had.

So anyway - that was quite a whine, I apologize. J and I carved pumpkins on Sunday afternoon and all the while I was imagining our children carrying on our tradition with us some day. It was a happy sort of daydream, not at all depressing and it made me smile. For now, I'll just be bingeing on apple-cider donuts and keeping my fingers crossed for an October bfp. After all, anything can happen...

CD 3

is here at last. I took my first-EVER clomid pill this morning at 7 am. Wahoo! I have to say, I haven't noticed a single side effect. I do feel a bit queasy but I did yesterday as well, so I'm calling it coincidence. Nothing much else to report...

Our mailman

must really love me. Because I mean, I have a package delivered to me almost daily. Between TTC and Overstock.com, it just never seems to end. So far this week, my coat was delivered yesterday (I'm in love) and J's anniversary present came the day before. Perfect timing. It's great, it's like Christmas every day when I come home from work. "A package!" Anyhow, today our friendly mailman brought me a package I've been anticipating for awhile. The Preseed! There was a mixup with the check I sent them, something about I forgot to write my address on it (?) so I just used my debit card and it was here in 4 days. Sweet! It's all starting to seem real to me now - starting Clomid tomorrow has got me SO excited. On another (and even sweeter) note, ok there's a girl I used to work with who is SUPER sweet, I adored her. She has struggled through infertility, and we really bonded over it. It's odd because I never talk about it to anyone at work, and neither did she, but we just did one day. She is the only other woman I know in actual 'real' life who is my age and infertile and I am constantly hoping baby hopes for her. Well, you guessed it, she's pregnant! I just found out today. I admit I usually feel miserable and nasty when someone else gets a bfp, but this really just gives me hope for myself and makes me feel so excited for her. Amazing! Maybe I'll be the next one with good news.

today is the best day...

that I've had in a long time. Today is our 4th anniversary. J and I always make sure our anniversaries are celebrated because it's important to us that we ALWAYS appreciate each other and never take what we have for granted. I mean of course everyone celebrates their anniversary, but you know what I mean - we like to spend the whole day together making googly eyes and trading compliments and spoiling each other. I guess everyone probably does that too, lol... Anyway, today is a day all about the positive and it is so refreshing. I put in for this day off at work like forever ago because otherwise I'd be gone until 7. So we slept in until 11 and then we went for a nice long drive in the country. One of our favorite pastimes. It's nice because we get to just be outside, listen to the radio and enjoy the sunshine and each other's company. Definitely one of my favorite 'simple' pleasures. He had to go into work for a few hours but when he gets home we're having a dinner/movie date. I was gonna go all fancy, but I'm actually more in the mood for Ruby Tuesday. I want typhoon shrimp lol. Anyway, the point is, I am SO GRATEFUL for my husband. He is my best friend and the man I was meant to be with and sometimes it seems surreal that I wound up as half of one of those super-happy glowing couples but I am, and I am so so so happy. Sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in what I don't have (a baby, of course) that I forget to appreciate what I do have. I have to always remember to have faith in our love and just like, in the world, and to trust that our path will take us to all of our dreams eventually. I need to enjoy the ride alot more than I have been. TTC is emotionally exhausting and I will never want a baby any less than I ever have, but I'm hoping someday I'll look back and read this blog, and I won't read myself say again in a few weeks about how much my life sucks. Because it doesn't. Sometimes the ride to your destination can be beautiful too. Anyway, when we were on our drive, I just had this overwhelming sense of peace and excitement. I just felt so HAPPY with no stress, no worries. I can't even remember the last time I felt like that. So carefree. Something just came over me, this feeling of like, 'everything is going to work out FANTASTIC' and I looked at my husband and I told him that by our 5th anniversary we would have a baby on the way. And I just knew it was true, I can feel it. AF showed up today which of course sucks because HELLO it's our anniversary but honestly I'm excited as all heck because this means on Friday I will start clomid! And I have such a good feeling about it, I really do.



* I was reading through old blog entries on 9/30 and wanted to add - this was also the day we saw those coyotes! I don't want to forget about that. We took a shortcut down J's parents' road, which is way out in the middle of nowhere and we saw 2 coyotes, one was just standing there like 20 feet from us, it was awesome :]

the waiting is the hardest part....

So, not much going on w/TTC at the moment... I'm on cd29 right now. I took a hpt this morning, even though I was sure it'd be negative (it was). It's my day off, so I've just been puttering around the house trying to keep myself occupied. J's at work til 10, so it's kinda been a long day. All I can think about is starting the clomid and praying it works. I hope this cycle doesn't end up being another 50-dayer, I'll SCREAM.

Lately I've just been trying to shower J with more love than ever, and focus all of my nervous energy on making him happy. I tend to get so wrapped up in wanting a baby and I want to make sure I never forget how lucky I am to have the amazing husband I have. Instead of thinking of every moment as baby-less, I try to think of it as the time period we will someday refer to as "before you were born"...

Yay! The clomid is here at last. We are going to pick it up at the post office in the morning. I am SO excited. Maybe I'm crazy but for the first time I really feel like we have a great shot at conceiving. I have now done 5 cycles with soy, and with each (except maybe the very first one) I felt it in my heart that it would be a failure. I know that's a crap-ass attitude to have but it's the truth. I just sort of knew. But with this, I feel real hope. Ugh for once I cannot wait for AF to get here. Lol. I am worried about some of the side effects though, I know it's supposed to cause mood swings and I am a woman who does not need any help there. It's hard enough for me to be polite at work all day every day... oh well, I guess we will just have to hope for the best. Honestly though, I am just really ready to start clomid, I keep thinking that this time next year we could have a baby son or daughter. Our luck is about to change, I can just feel it!

So yesterday morning after I finished my muffin & juice, I went outside to check the mail. It was a beautiful morning, really sunny. I was in a pretty good mood. When I opened the mailbox, there was a package with 'important directions!' attached and I was like, Holy Sh*t, it's the Clomid - that was FAST! My heart started racing, and I went back inside with the package. I started babbling to J about how excited I was that it had come so quickly - and on cycle day 5, the last day I could start them. Awesome luck! So I got the scissors, took a deep breath, and...

It's my stupid checks! lol. I'd completely forgotten that I'd ordered them. It was a total whim and a total disappointment. But I did start soy again last night. I decided to go with 120mg this time around. At this point I feel like soy is just a hobby I'm doing until I can start the real stuff - I don't feel very hopeful at all this time around, even though I know anything could happen. I'll just have to wait and see.

I'm just feeling all-around in the dumps and sorry for myself today. I just got done with a 50-day cycle and a girl I loathe just gave birth to a baby that's not her husband's. Things like that really piss me off.

I feel like I am ready for some BIG changes, and not just baby-wise. I am sick to death of my lame job, for one thing. Everyone there is lazy. including myself at this point... My dream is to be a stay at home mom, and I feel like I'm just wasting any effort I put into this dead-end job. I have decided to go back to school and take a few more classes this winter - it's not necessary and maybe it's a waste of effort as well but I miss it. It keeps my mind busy during the long winter months when it's all too easy to get depressed and restless. At least it's a constructive hobby. Winter drives me mad, I despise being shut-in for months and months, and I despise how the daylight goes away at 4 pm... somehow even the weather seems desperate.

Anyhow, maybe I'll be pregnant by Christmas. Wouldn't that be amazing? Talk about a mood-boost. I'm a whiner today, sorry.

introducing myself

Hi all. I'm Mrs. L, and this is my attempt at blogging :]

I suppose I should start by saying that this is going to be an infertility/ttc blog. I have so many overwhelming emotions going on and I don't really have any healthy outlet for them, so this is my attempt to get them out there, and to maybe share them with women who feel the same. I guess I'd just like to put up a disclaimer, because I know this blog is going to be often times filled with anger, frustration & sadness - that's not who I like to be, and I hate bringing others down. I try to keep my attitude upbeat and hopeful but Lord knows I do a spotty job at best. Anyhow, here's my story:


I'm 25 years old. My husband, J, is 26. We have been together for 4 years. We grew up about an hour from each other, in small-and-smaller towns. When we met, I was at the lowest point in my life. I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a preteen, and when I was a teenager my family life basically fell apart and I was on my own in a strange city from 16 years old on. That's a different blog for a different day, but when we met I hadn't spoken to my family in over 3 years. I was 2 years into a very abusive relationship. I was broke, depressed and on the verge of losing my apartment with NOwhere to go. I didn't have the energy to care. I was drinking constantly and had pretty much given up on my life. I had walls higher than the sky that I built all around me. I was 20.

I somehow got an awesome job - I just kind of fell into it, honestly. I had to travel out of state alot for it, which suited me just fine. This is where I met my husband. We started out as friends, and before I knew it he said he was in love. I spent six months fighting it and pushing him away. In the end, I moved 3 states away, missed him like crazy, moved back and let him change my life. In the almost-5 years we have been together, he has been the most amazing person I have ever known. He encouraged me to reconnect with my family, and now we are closer than most families I know. He taught me, among many other things, how to love myself. In the meantime, we've gotten married, both finished school and pretty much turned into 40-yr. old 20-somethings, lol. If you know what I mean. We are small-town people. We spend our free time going for walks together, sitting by the river or spending time with family. I love old movies and animals. J is my best friend, and my life has turned out happier than I ever would have hoped for. But there is one thing missing that to me, keeps EVERYTHING on pause: babies. In my favorite daydream, I'm planting in my garden with a couple of toddlers chasing a puppy around the yard while my husband sits on the porch swing and plays his guitar for us. That's my own heaven and I hope it's not too far away.

We are SO in love, and SO ready for this. But of course: I'm infertile.

I might as well admit that we never really used protection. So for 3 and a half years we were not preventing, and we never conceived. I always knew in my gut that something was wrong, but I couldn't admit it to myself. I avoided the baby topic, and if it came up I always had an excuse... when school is done. when we're married. etc. In November of 2008 I ran out of excuses and caught the baby bug. I began researching like crazy and diagnosed myself with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, if you haven't heard of it you should google it). Confirmed by a doctor in January of 2009. He says I have 'mild' PCOS. My symptoms are: hair growth, for one. I use sally hansen cream and wax, thank God it does the trick, but let's just say I use a LOT of it. Also, I have always been really thin, but over the last year I have been packing on weight out of nowhere. For the first time ever, I'm self-conscious about my weight and it's all right around my tummy. My periods come anywhere from every 26 to 50 days. I constantly crave sugar and carbs, and of course, I'm infertile. My doctor won't prescribe me any fertility meds because I'm "so young", and as I said, I live in a really small town - the next closest doctor who takes my insurance is 3 hours away. So I'm kind of on my own.

I've been charting my bbt since March and taking Soy Isoflavones to induce ovulation since April. I've ovulated 2 out of 4 times. and the other 2 (the last 2, actually) were over 45 days each. I am so frustrated and ready to take matters into my own hands. After MUCH deliberation, I ordered unprescribed clomid online last week. Preseed, too. That seems to be a magic bullet for a lot of women with PCOS. I know there are risks but I will do anything in the world I can do for the family-to-be that I'm already in love with. AF came 2 days ago, and I doubt my clomid will be here in time to start this cycle, so most likely this will be my 5th and final Soy cycle. I will be taking 120mgs on cycle days 5-9. Unless my clomid gets here by then, then it will be 50mgs days 5-9. I am praying every day that this is a success. We want to buy a home and start a family, and I feel like our life is passing us by because my body is not working properly. Everyone we know has kids and it breaks my heart. My parents now have an 'empty nest' and I know they are dying for a grandbaby. My head is constantly filled with daydreams about baby shoes, play rooms, walks to the zoo, you name it... I feel like I am waiting for our 'real life' to start. I do have faith in myself and in fate. I do believe that we WILL have our baby someday, that we will be a complete family and all of our dreams will come true. But the waiting is torture.

I don't really have much more to say (thank God right lol). I didn't mean for this to be so long, but now you know me. Pretty much. And I already feel better. I suppose I'll update whenever there's something else to say.

Thanks for reading!

- Mrs. L.