Shame on me,

I have been so neglectful of my poor blog this cycle. I just really haven't had a moment to myself to really compose my thoughts, and I like privacy when I write. Anyway. This cycle has been really amazing! Better than I'd hoped for. As I said in my last post I did ovulate on cd 17. I'm excited because it's 14po and my temps are still up. Just to be clear, I've already tested twice and both were bfn's so I know (99% sure) I'm not pregnant. I tested once yesterday & once today, so I'm just waiting for af so I can add that other 1%. And yes I am a bit sad and disappointed but in the end I have to look at the big picture. Clomid does work for me! My God, the anxiety I had about that before we started!  It gave me my best-ever chart - by far. So I'm interpreting that as very good news. And although I was rotten yesterday with the first bfn, today I let myself remember that I had had a 1 in 4 chance this time around - which was amazingly better than my usual 0 in 0. I suppose there is still the smallest chance that I'm one of those women who don't get their bfp until really late - technically I could be. But I want to stay realistic and I'm putting my hope into next cycle. And I do have quite a bit of hope for it. 

Today at work, two of my coworkers had relatives on maternity; a neice and a cousin. Both gave birth to baby girls. Of course little else was mentioned all day, which is to be expected and I couldn't decide how I felt about it. Of course there's the side of me that despises pregnant women. HA! That must be the most awful demographic in the world, but it's true. I mean, it's natural. They have the one thing in life that I want more than anything else. The thing I live for. The one thing I can't have. And they have it so damned easily! So I don't care for them, and most likely won't until I become one of them. I don't even usually care to hear about them and their stroller-shopping, nursery-painting, name-picking lives but today I didn't feel that way. Today, instead of feeling like a taunted child I felt like I could look forward to that, too. That's not the life I want and will never have, that's the life I'm getting closer and closer to. It's easy to have faith in myself and be optimistic in the privacy of my own living room but out in the real world is another story - I suppose that'll be my new goal. Along with getting pregnant, of course.

Second round of clomid most likely starting end of next week-ish.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I have laid an egg! LOL. Seriously though, it looks like the clomid is working!! I am shocked, I must say. I had myself so convinced that it wouldn't. But when I woke up this morning and put my temp in, I got crosshairs. They are dotted, yes, but I think that's because of my cm (which I am using preseed to combat). I am SO excited, this is my first 2ww since June and we had a ton of sex (hehe) and I was very diligent about using preseed each and every time. I'll try to post a pic of my chart, not sure if I know how. Friday was a really stressful day, J & I had a huge fight and I was just like, over-the-top emotional. And it turns out, that was my O day. Haha. Thank heavens we had make-up sex. Agh! I am just really floored and hopeful!!

On Saturday I spent the day in the Adirondacks with my parents, just the 3 of us. It was absolutely lovely. I think the drive there & back was almost the best part - the leaves are so beautiful. We went to one small town in particular and did quite a bit of shopping, it was awesome because all of the shops are in old houses instead of square little buildings. I'll try to post a link to that as well. Anyway the day was so peaceful and exactly what I needed. Sometimes a change of scenery can work wonders on my perspective!

SO, for now, I'm still waiting! Only more hopefully. And even more impatiently. I'll be testing on October 25th. Imagine, a July baby....

saturday's excursion

Stay the hell away...

from me this week! yikes. my moods are everywhere. So I'm on cd 15... on cd 13 I had an amazing temp dip so I thought for sure I'd get the rise the next day: PERFECT cycle! Ovulation on cd 14, man that's a piece of cake! I knew it all along, I'd just have to take a few pills and *bam* I'd have the perfect cycle and be pregnant, lickity-split. I spent all day Monday walking on air. Then I woke up Tuesday morning and my temp really hadn't moved a bit. Of course I was devastated. I mean I don't usually get so upset about my bbt but I must admit my hopes were really high. And yes, I know there is still plenty of time for me to ovulate this cycle but I am just so tired of disappointment... I shed a lot of tears yesterday and I'm wise enough to recognize that atleast half of them were because of the way clomid is affecting my hormones but still. Now I am back in the boat of praying clomid will work, and being anxious and impatient and just completely ridiculous. I said to hell with it, I'm gonna feel sorry for myself. I'm tired of forcing myself to be upbeat and positive when I'm not really feeling that way inside. J has his poker game tonight and I am SO not in the mood to play the happy housewife. The house is clean and I made nachos, that'll have to do. I'm hiding out in the bedroom with a magazine I borrowed from the waiting room in maternity at work and my thoughts.

After much anticipation...

I am done with my first dose of clomid! I took the last pill yesterday and now all I can do is have lots of sex and wait it out. haha. The side effects haven't been too bad yet, but someone was kind enough to share their experiences with the side-effects kicking in after they finished their dose, and I'm on the lookout. (Thank you. I wasn't expecting it to work that way but it seems that it certainly has).  I have been incredibly emotional the last two days. I'm always moody I suppose but I'm not really much of a crier and I have just been a slight mess lately. I think it's due to the clomid, paired with a new situation at work. Since last month, when nearly half of our staff left due to various reasons, we've hired 5 new women in our department. To make a long story short, the demographic there now consists of  4 grandmothers (one expecting a new grandchild by her daughter who works in the same building), 9 mothers, 2 teenagers, and an odd-one-out. (Me).  There have always been a lot of mothers at work but until recently I was not the only woman over 18 without a child... and all they talk about is their babies, their 2nd graders, their teenagers, their grandbabies... comparing this and that about likes, dislikes, foods, games, you name it... and of course I can't honestly blame them: this is what women DO. They grow up, they have children, and they talk about their children. But there is not much in the world more heartbreaking for a woman struggling with infertility than being surrounded by extra-fertiles. Yesterday during lunch hour, I was sitting there with 3 of my coworkers - one has 5 children ranging in age from 18 to 6, one has 3 girls between the ages of 12 and 9, and one has 2 girls aged 6 and 18 months... so they were just chattering SO happily about school clothes and new friends and who's birthday party this one was going to, or which activity that one joined. And I just felt frozen. Like I was sitting right next to a window leading into this world I desperately want to join, but can't. I mumbled something about getting some air and spent the better part of 40 minutes pretending to read Hallmark cards in the gift shop. (I work at a hospital). I know, I know. I need to keep my head up because this is our first round of clomid and the doors are wide open and anything can happen. And I DO know that. But sometimes I just need to let myself curl into a ball and wish it all away. Sometimes I have to let myself wonder why I, of all people, am being denied the most precious gift of life. The most enormous, most wonderful life cycle event. I can't help but wonder what our lives will be like in 5 years. In one year. Will we ever have a baby? Will I ever be able to make my husband the father he so deserves to be? Will I ever be a mother, and if not, what in the world will become of me? I can't fathom finding true happiness down any other road. I love being a wife but sadly it is simply not enough. I just need to take a few deep breaths and rally -  I won't allow myself to be this way. I think that's what I like about blogging: Once I see my feelings put down on, well not ink and paper but you get the idea, I feel like I can edit them and revise my thoughts into a better point of view. A more positive way of thinking. Such as: This WILL work!  And I know it will. It has to... 


I just finished the first volume of Jane Austen's lost memoirs which were published last year. What a phenomenal distraction! Her stories are the only thing that can truly do the trick - trick my mind into thinking of something other than a baby for even half of an hour...  it's like she provides this alternate world I can just sink into. Any Austen fans MUST read her memoir... Mr. Ashford is brilliant and I could scarcley put it down until I'd finished every last word. Although it makes me sad, the fact that she never had children.... and I wonder what her writing would've been like if she had.

So anyway - that was quite a whine, I apologize. J and I carved pumpkins on Sunday afternoon and all the while I was imagining our children carrying on our tradition with us some day. It was a happy sort of daydream, not at all depressing and it made me smile. For now, I'll just be bingeing on apple-cider donuts and keeping my fingers crossed for an October bfp. After all, anything can happen...

CD 3

is here at last. I took my first-EVER clomid pill this morning at 7 am. Wahoo! I have to say, I haven't noticed a single side effect. I do feel a bit queasy but I did yesterday as well, so I'm calling it coincidence. Nothing much else to report...

Our mailman

must really love me. Because I mean, I have a package delivered to me almost daily. Between TTC and Overstock.com, it just never seems to end. So far this week, my coat was delivered yesterday (I'm in love) and J's anniversary present came the day before. Perfect timing. It's great, it's like Christmas every day when I come home from work. "A package!" Anyhow, today our friendly mailman brought me a package I've been anticipating for awhile. The Preseed! There was a mixup with the check I sent them, something about I forgot to write my address on it (?) so I just used my debit card and it was here in 4 days. Sweet! It's all starting to seem real to me now - starting Clomid tomorrow has got me SO excited. On another (and even sweeter) note, ok there's a girl I used to work with who is SUPER sweet, I adored her. She has struggled through infertility, and we really bonded over it. It's odd because I never talk about it to anyone at work, and neither did she, but we just did one day. She is the only other woman I know in actual 'real' life who is my age and infertile and I am constantly hoping baby hopes for her. Well, you guessed it, she's pregnant! I just found out today. I admit I usually feel miserable and nasty when someone else gets a bfp, but this really just gives me hope for myself and makes me feel so excited for her. Amazing! Maybe I'll be the next one with good news.

today is the best day...

that I've had in a long time. Today is our 4th anniversary. J and I always make sure our anniversaries are celebrated because it's important to us that we ALWAYS appreciate each other and never take what we have for granted. I mean of course everyone celebrates their anniversary, but you know what I mean - we like to spend the whole day together making googly eyes and trading compliments and spoiling each other. I guess everyone probably does that too, lol... Anyway, today is a day all about the positive and it is so refreshing. I put in for this day off at work like forever ago because otherwise I'd be gone until 7. So we slept in until 11 and then we went for a nice long drive in the country. One of our favorite pastimes. It's nice because we get to just be outside, listen to the radio and enjoy the sunshine and each other's company. Definitely one of my favorite 'simple' pleasures. He had to go into work for a few hours but when he gets home we're having a dinner/movie date. I was gonna go all fancy, but I'm actually more in the mood for Ruby Tuesday. I want typhoon shrimp lol. Anyway, the point is, I am SO GRATEFUL for my husband. He is my best friend and the man I was meant to be with and sometimes it seems surreal that I wound up as half of one of those super-happy glowing couples but I am, and I am so so so happy. Sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in what I don't have (a baby, of course) that I forget to appreciate what I do have. I have to always remember to have faith in our love and just like, in the world, and to trust that our path will take us to all of our dreams eventually. I need to enjoy the ride alot more than I have been. TTC is emotionally exhausting and I will never want a baby any less than I ever have, but I'm hoping someday I'll look back and read this blog, and I won't read myself say again in a few weeks about how much my life sucks. Because it doesn't. Sometimes the ride to your destination can be beautiful too. Anyway, when we were on our drive, I just had this overwhelming sense of peace and excitement. I just felt so HAPPY with no stress, no worries. I can't even remember the last time I felt like that. So carefree. Something just came over me, this feeling of like, 'everything is going to work out FANTASTIC' and I looked at my husband and I told him that by our 5th anniversary we would have a baby on the way. And I just knew it was true, I can feel it. AF showed up today which of course sucks because HELLO it's our anniversary but honestly I'm excited as all heck because this means on Friday I will start clomid! And I have such a good feeling about it, I really do.



* I was reading through old blog entries on 9/30 and wanted to add - this was also the day we saw those coyotes! I don't want to forget about that. We took a shortcut down J's parents' road, which is way out in the middle of nowhere and we saw 2 coyotes, one was just standing there like 20 feet from us, it was awesome :]