Waiting for Baby L.

So yesterday morning after I finished my muffin & juice, I went outside to check the mail. It was a beautiful morning, really sunny. I was in a pretty good mood. When I opened the mailbox, there was a package with 'important directions!' attached and I was like, Holy Sh*t, it's the Clomid - that was FAST! My heart started racing, and I went back inside with the package. I started babbling to J about how excited I was that it had come so quickly - and on cycle day 5, the last day I could start them. Awesome luck! So I got the scissors, took a deep breath, and...

It's my stupid checks! lol. I'd completely forgotten that I'd ordered them. It was a total whim and a total disappointment. But I did start soy again last night. I decided to go with 120mg this time around. At this point I feel like soy is just a hobby I'm doing until I can start the real stuff - I don't feel very hopeful at all this time around, even though I know anything could happen. I'll just have to wait and see.

I'm just feeling all-around in the dumps and sorry for myself today. I just got done with a 50-day cycle and a girl I loathe just gave birth to a baby that's not her husband's. Things like that really piss me off.

I feel like I am ready for some BIG changes, and not just baby-wise. I am sick to death of my lame job, for one thing. Everyone there is lazy. including myself at this point... My dream is to be a stay at home mom, and I feel like I'm just wasting any effort I put into this dead-end job. I have decided to go back to school and take a few more classes this winter - it's not necessary and maybe it's a waste of effort as well but I miss it. It keeps my mind busy during the long winter months when it's all too easy to get depressed and restless. At least it's a constructive hobby. Winter drives me mad, I despise being shut-in for months and months, and I despise how the daylight goes away at 4 pm... somehow even the weather seems desperate.

Anyhow, maybe I'll be pregnant by Christmas. Wouldn't that be amazing? Talk about a mood-boost. I'm a whiner today, sorry.