introducing myself

Hi all. I'm Mrs. L, and this is my attempt at blogging :]

I suppose I should start by saying that this is going to be an infertility/ttc blog. I have so many overwhelming emotions going on and I don't really have any healthy outlet for them, so this is my attempt to get them out there, and to maybe share them with women who feel the same. I guess I'd just like to put up a disclaimer, because I know this blog is going to be often times filled with anger, frustration & sadness - that's not who I like to be, and I hate bringing others down. I try to keep my attitude upbeat and hopeful but Lord knows I do a spotty job at best. Anyhow, here's my story:


I'm 25 years old. My husband, J, is 26. We have been together for 4 years. We grew up about an hour from each other, in small-and-smaller towns. When we met, I was at the lowest point in my life. I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a preteen, and when I was a teenager my family life basically fell apart and I was on my own in a strange city from 16 years old on. That's a different blog for a different day, but when we met I hadn't spoken to my family in over 3 years. I was 2 years into a very abusive relationship. I was broke, depressed and on the verge of losing my apartment with NOwhere to go. I didn't have the energy to care. I was drinking constantly and had pretty much given up on my life. I had walls higher than the sky that I built all around me. I was 20.

I somehow got an awesome job - I just kind of fell into it, honestly. I had to travel out of state alot for it, which suited me just fine. This is where I met my husband. We started out as friends, and before I knew it he said he was in love. I spent six months fighting it and pushing him away. In the end, I moved 3 states away, missed him like crazy, moved back and let him change my life. In the almost-5 years we have been together, he has been the most amazing person I have ever known. He encouraged me to reconnect with my family, and now we are closer than most families I know. He taught me, among many other things, how to love myself. In the meantime, we've gotten married, both finished school and pretty much turned into 40-yr. old 20-somethings, lol. If you know what I mean. We are small-town people. We spend our free time going for walks together, sitting by the river or spending time with family. I love old movies and animals. J is my best friend, and my life has turned out happier than I ever would have hoped for. But there is one thing missing that to me, keeps EVERYTHING on pause: babies. In my favorite daydream, I'm planting in my garden with a couple of toddlers chasing a puppy around the yard while my husband sits on the porch swing and plays his guitar for us. That's my own heaven and I hope it's not too far away.

We are SO in love, and SO ready for this. But of course: I'm infertile.

I might as well admit that we never really used protection. So for 3 and a half years we were not preventing, and we never conceived. I always knew in my gut that something was wrong, but I couldn't admit it to myself. I avoided the baby topic, and if it came up I always had an excuse... when school is done. when we're married. etc. In November of 2008 I ran out of excuses and caught the baby bug. I began researching like crazy and diagnosed myself with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, if you haven't heard of it you should google it). Confirmed by a doctor in January of 2009. He says I have 'mild' PCOS. My symptoms are: hair growth, for one. I use sally hansen cream and wax, thank God it does the trick, but let's just say I use a LOT of it. Also, I have always been really thin, but over the last year I have been packing on weight out of nowhere. For the first time ever, I'm self-conscious about my weight and it's all right around my tummy. My periods come anywhere from every 26 to 50 days. I constantly crave sugar and carbs, and of course, I'm infertile. My doctor won't prescribe me any fertility meds because I'm "so young", and as I said, I live in a really small town - the next closest doctor who takes my insurance is 3 hours away. So I'm kind of on my own.

I've been charting my bbt since March and taking Soy Isoflavones to induce ovulation since April. I've ovulated 2 out of 4 times. and the other 2 (the last 2, actually) were over 45 days each. I am so frustrated and ready to take matters into my own hands. After MUCH deliberation, I ordered unprescribed clomid online last week. Preseed, too. That seems to be a magic bullet for a lot of women with PCOS. I know there are risks but I will do anything in the world I can do for the family-to-be that I'm already in love with. AF came 2 days ago, and I doubt my clomid will be here in time to start this cycle, so most likely this will be my 5th and final Soy cycle. I will be taking 120mgs on cycle days 5-9. Unless my clomid gets here by then, then it will be 50mgs days 5-9. I am praying every day that this is a success. We want to buy a home and start a family, and I feel like our life is passing us by because my body is not working properly. Everyone we know has kids and it breaks my heart. My parents now have an 'empty nest' and I know they are dying for a grandbaby. My head is constantly filled with daydreams about baby shoes, play rooms, walks to the zoo, you name it... I feel like I am waiting for our 'real life' to start. I do have faith in myself and in fate. I do believe that we WILL have our baby someday, that we will be a complete family and all of our dreams will come true. But the waiting is torture.

I don't really have much more to say (thank God right lol). I didn't mean for this to be so long, but now you know me. Pretty much. And I already feel better. I suppose I'll update whenever there's something else to say.

Thanks for reading!

- Mrs. L.